According to the newsletter, changes in thinking such as problems with concentration and decision making, increased pessimism and poor self-esteem are symptoms. Also, changes in feelings such feeling sad, no longer enjoying pleasurable activities, lack of motivation and irritability; changes in behavior such as excessive crying, apathetic and social withdrawal and last changes in physical well being such as chronic fatigue, loss of appetite and complaining of aches and pains. I thought to myself I can't believe this is happening to me - I just got back from my HeartQuest where God did amazing things and I know God has great plans for me - why am I so depressed?
Rewind -to the week I returned home from HeartQuest. I came home with a circumsized heart, a heart that needed to be nurtured and taken care of in the word and prayer. Something I neglected to do as I dove right back into life. I allowed other things to take priority and I found myself entertaining worldly things. (Now, this next statement is purely my conviction and not meant to be judgemental or say anything is wrong with people who listen to country music.) But my friends and family who know me well, know that I have only listened to christian music for many years, however as my daughter has found a new love for country music I have found myself listening to it all the time. It completey replaced my worship time in the morning. I was quickly being consumed by a secular world all around and didn't even realize how quickly I was falling.
So, back to reading the newsletter. I brought it home Friday and put it aside, I then went to the prayer room for a night of worship and prayer time. When I woke up Saturday morning I layed in bed but just couldn't bring myself to get up. As I layed there in the stillness, I felt Holy Spirit drop this into my spirit, "You really suffering depression ....or are you under conviction of sin?" Now - that was PROFOUND for me! I mean it took my breath away. The Lord loves his children and he will not just let them rebel and walk in disobedience without correction. Holy Spirit will bring conviction and will not let you go. Praise the Lord for Holy Spirit!
I can't even begin to express how numb I was feeling emotionally, not to mention spiritually and how much physical pain I was in. But I can tell you that I serve an awesome God and once I finally started listening to Holy Spirit instead of my emotions and what my body was telling me - things started to become more clear. I wish I could say that Saturday I was able to break free, but I would be lying. I was supposed to get up then and get in the word and blog what He was showing me. I didn't.
I will, however, tell you that Daddy is pruning me and Holy Spirit is ministering to me and I have come face to face with my sin. (When you step outside of God's will and begin to walk in the flesh you are in sin.) I refuse to to accept anything that this world has to offer me, Satan can't get me to turn my back on my Lord with his schemes and the enemy will give back to me everything he stole. He may have distracted me for a season, but from the words of the veggie tales song, "God is Bigger than the Boogie Man!"
When I started this blog a year ago, I had no idea that the Lord would require me to be so transparent. But, I am being obedient and as I type I can feel His presence sweep over me bringing healing, courage and strength for what lies ahead. For that reason alone, I know that He is all I need. The Lord is my source of life, happiness and ONLY He alone can fulfill the deepest longings in my soul. He is the ONLY source of LIFE and FULFILLMENT - do not let the enemy tell you differently. From the words of the Toby Mac (with Kirk Franklin) song - "I Don't Want to Gain the Whole World and Lose my Soul."
Thank You, Holy Spirit, for conviction and thank you, Lord, for the cross - I RUN to YOU!!!
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